I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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