just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
