I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
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