you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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