I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
