Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Randomize
