glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
