eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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