I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Randomize
