Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Randomize
