hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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