Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
