Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize