I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Randomize
