I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
