So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
The best revenge is premature balding
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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