I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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