she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Randomize