i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
