I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize