okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
