i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize