I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Randomize
