you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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