remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
