new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
