he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
