idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Randomize
