I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
