I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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