So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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