we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Randomize
