we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
