Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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