She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
