Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
It was like giving head to a cactus.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
It's shark week go big or go home
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
