The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
