The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
i think my tv is drunk
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Randomize
