i wish starbucks made bloody marys
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
YAS. BRING CRAB.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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