sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
