At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
