Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
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