I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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