hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
