if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Randomize
