How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
