I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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