Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize