I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
My pussy is not your playground.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
