dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
