Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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