On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
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