I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
