Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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