My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
