just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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