3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
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