The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
