I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
