Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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